My Wall Is Up Too High

Tonight I got one of the most heartbreaking calls in my life. Eric S. called to tell me about everything he went through. I bet me crying on the other end as he spoke wasn’t helping matters. It’s been almost a month since his mum’s passing. I am horrible when it comes to death and in a way I think he knew … so I only texted him telling him I was there for him. He talked about the events from the last time I saw him and his parents at their house that led up to where he is now. How he tries to be strong but breaks down once in a while. Him asking God for a sign and getting it in his dream. All I could do was listen. He’s one of the people who I don’t have to see at all and talk once in a blue moon on the phone. But he understands me and I understand him. He spoke until he couldn’t speak anymore. And there was silence on both ends. Sometimes, that’s all that’s needed. Silence to breathe.

Because of all the emotions I felt, I wrote a new song. It’s missing one verse but other than that, it’s done. In some way you can put parts of it with Eric and his mum and other times you could put parts of it with giving up before you fall too fast and get hurt. Up to your interpretation. With all these emotions of pain I’ve been feeling lately, it just seemed appropriate to write and it feels nice to get it out because sometimes acting like everything is okay … hurts.

Now if only I could put to actions with the words I write.

Trust

During Leadership Challenge, my friend, Eli, said that I have a gift of being the tough girl (hopefully not the manly type) and still have such an emotional side. That people come to me to talk to me about their problems and thoughts – the psychiatrist. I wonder why that is …

I would not have interaction to some people for a while but when shiet goes wrong for them, they come to me and we talk like we’ve never stopped. And when I say a while, I mean years. I wonder why that is …

I cannot fully trust anyone with my problems. I feel like a burden. That my problems will never be as big. That I know in the end, I can fix it or at least tolerate it.

So I wonder. I wonder why I was given this gift